The New Normal

After almost 15 weeks at home with my two kids, I'm officially back at work.  I was riddled with angst in the weeks leading up to "the day."  The thought of coming back made me physically nauseous, made me regularly cry.  I just couldn't imagine actually waking up in the morning, taking a shower, and walking out the door.  Mind you, this is my second time returning to work after having a baby.  I should have known what to expect, right?  It should have been easier?  It wasn't.. it was actually much harder.  This time I was leaving 2 babies.  I hadn't really thought of the fact that I would also be getting 3.5 months with my 2.5yr old and leaving him would sting too.  Being with a newborn all day by yourself can be rather isolating, but having a sidekick toddler with you who sings "wheels on the bus" in the background while you nurse and frequently asks to hold and kiss the baby makes the newborn experience much more entertaining (although having the toddler in the mix means getting a nap in for yourself is damn near impossible).  My experience during this maternity leave was, just, different.

But then, just like that,  it was over.  As is the case with any day you're hoping never comes, my return date came so fast that I was completely unprepared and in denial until the last minute (at 11 o'clock the night before I found myself asking where is my work laptop?  where are my keys?  oh i guess i need to pack up my pump?).  In the morning, I woke up, took a shower, and actually walked out the door (well, after nursing my baby, packing my lunch, getting pooped on, frantically reminding our new nanny of a million different things, making a cup of tea that would do nothing to wake me up, etc., etc., etc).  But, I did it.  I left.  And I was sad, of course.  I knew I wasn't going to get my big morning hug from my waking toddler and I wasn't going to see my baby's sweet smile all day long.  I knew I would miss them.  But that's not really what made me sad.  The most common refrain you will hear from everyone when you go back to work is that you will get used to it and that it will get easier.  And they are 100% right.  It does get easier.  You get back into the working world and remember how great it is to sit and eat an uninterrupted lunch while surfing the web.  You appreciate having adult conversations, feeling smart again, showering every morning.  You become current on the news and songs on the radio.  You always miss your kids, but when you have a great caretaker and are reassured they are thriving, you worry less and less.  You treasure the time you have with them when you get home.  If they are fine, you are fine, and it becomes the new normal.  But that's precisely what has made me sad this time.  A part of me doesn't want me to just get used to all of it - only seeing them a couple hours in the evenings, not doing the school pick-up/drop-offs, not having breakfast with them.  A part of me is asking whether I want to get used to it.  Sure, when you work outside the home full-time you also skip out on much of the mundane home routine - which can be exhausting and repetitive - and you tend to make every minute you do have with your kid count, something you may not do if you are always with them.   But whether we like to admit it or not, we do miss out on things with our kids when we are away.  Not the big things, they catch you up on that stuff.  But some of the little things...the conversations in the car after school, the non-rushed morning cuddles, playing soccer in the driveway before lunch.  You have to ask yourself, is what I'm doing worth missing those things.  It's an extremely complicated question, because it requires you to evaluate your career (where is it going? am I in the right one?), your finances (could we afford different choices?  what do we want to be able to provide for our family?), your values (what kind of example do I want to set for my kids?), your parenting (are my kids in the best possible care? would they actually be better off with more time with me?), and yourself (what will make me the most happy? what are my life goals?).   I'm afraid that if I get used to the new normal, I'll stop actively making that assessment.  It's a running dialogue in the mind of almost every working mom I know, and yet I think at some point, it's easier to get used to the status quo and move on.  Mainly because answering those questions may result in taking a big risk on a new path, which is utterly terrifying (at least for me).  But this time, I'm fighting the urge to completely adjust, just for a minute, to make sure I'm on my right path.  And I don't know, maybe I'll never be completely sure that I'm making the best decisions, but isn't it worthwhile to continue to test and re-test our choices?

Happy BabyMama

We passed the 12 week mark a couple weeks back.  The fog is starting to lift.  I am able to think clearly again, even about things other than the baby.  My body has adjusted to the sleep deprivation such that waking up 2-3x/night feels totally normal (and, sadly, like an improvement).  I don't even remember what sleeping all night long feels like (actually, I do, and it was awesome, but I'll pretend).  Life is much busier, I have a to-do list I can't start and sometimes I want to have adult beverages during the daytime, but, this time around, I have to say that I actually feel....happy.

If I sound surprised by that, it might be because I am.  With my first son, 12 weeks hardly felt like a milestone.  The day passed and I was still a sleep-deprived, perhaps somewhat depressed, definitely somewhat overwhelmed first-time mom.  He cried.  A lot.  He hardly slept.  He nursed constantly.  I felt mentally and physically kaput.  And I was pissed that the books promised that everything would get easier after we passed the magical 12 week mark.  My baby didn't miraculously stop being colicky, he didn't suddenly seem adjusted to post-womb life, and I didn't feel much better.  I wondered if I was supposed to be enjoying it more.  I wondered if I was strong enough to be a mom.  It felt like a neverending cycle, a spinning wheel I couldn't get off, and sometimes I wanted to.  But then I felt greatly disappointed in myself and guilty for having such thoughts, so I didn't say much about it (aside from passive-aggressively taking it out on myself, my husband, my family - oops).  It did pass eventually, probably around month 5, but I still wondered what it was....was it the fussy baby (or was he normal?  how are you supposed to know what normal is with your first?)...was it hormones, was it sleep deprivation, was it simply the life adjustment (or shall we say, upheaval) that comes with having a kid?  I couldn't pin it down.  But now, after having another experience to compare it to, I'm convinced.

It was (mostly) the baby's fault.

Ok, ok, yes not sleeping while your hormones are tanking and while you are trying to figure out how to be a mom all take a toll on your mood.  But dealing with all of that while also taking care of a colicky newborn takes your emotional well-being to a different place.  I remember reading that the "unlucky" parents of colicky children often experience depression, marital difficulties, etc - what??  A crying baby can ruin your entire goddamn life?  How could that be?  But if you get one, especially if you don't know you have one because you're a first-time parent who has been told she should "enjoy every moment", you start to lose your mind. 

Now with my second son, I'm having a completely different experience.  This sweet little creature has given me an overwhelming feeling happiness from the day he was born.  And it hasn't wavered, not when I have been up all night, not when both of the kids (and I) got sick, not when I was pumping and dumping in the middle of a wedding while my husband hand-fed me pizza (true story).  He cries, of course,  but not for long periods.  He is consolable and happy.  And, therefore, so am I.  People are quick to point out that I'm probably also a lot less stressed this time, and of course that is true.  But I am even more sleep deprived than the first time, a lot more busy taking care of 2 on my own the last few months, and have half the maternity leave, and yet I feel a sense of peace that I did not feel the first time at this same point...I think so much of it is due to the endless smiles of my Nevin and the constant hilarity of my Noah (that colicky little first-born turned out to be the funniest, smartest and sweetest toddler).  Your children - for better or for worse - can so poignantly affect your emotions in a way no one else can.    

So if you think you have a fussy or colicky baby, you probably do.  Go easy on yourself, and know that it will pass.  Don't feel guilty when you feel low.  Vent to a friend who has gone through it when it gets really bad (thanks AK!), because others won't get it.  When others comment on their "easy babies", just keep in mind that your baby may become a perfect toddler (which, btw, is better!) and your next kid will feel like a breeze.  You are not "unlucky" (ahem, Mr. Weisbluth)....every baby is a blessing.  And no matter what your baby is like, it is impossible to "enjoy every moment" as a parent....the true goal is to feel joy through it all. 

Letter to my First-Born

Dear Noah,

In a few weeks you're going to have a brand new little brother.  You love your "big brother" books, and you regularly kiss and high-five my belly, but as a 2yr old, you probably can't really process what this means.  Hell, as 32yr olds, I'm not sure your dad and I have really processed the life change that is about to happen.  For 2+ years it's been the three amigos.  You never have to choose who to sit next to because you're always in between us, when you yell out "mommy COME HERE!" I always do, when you want to turn the lights off in your room and look for airplanes, stars, and the "real moon" in the sky for a half hour I happily oblige.  But all of that, and much more, is about to change.  Maybe it sounds strange, but as excited as I am for the new arrival, there is a part of me that is a little sad that our threesome is about to get shaken up.  I know there will soon be a day where we can't imagine life without your little brother, and you will never remember a day when you didn't have a sibling, but I want you to know that you will forever hold a special place in my heart as my first-born, the one who changed everything...

- You were the one who taught me what true, unconditional, scary, something-beyond-yourself, LOVE really is.  I love your daddy in unparalleled ways, but I know that he would agree that our love for you and our family surpasses anything we could have imagined.  I know I will love your brother as much as I love you, but it will always be you who first tore open my heart & soul in such a profound way.

- You were the one who taught me how strong, and how weak, I really am.  You think you know yourself until you have a child, but you little creatures force us to test all of our theories about ourselves.  Some of them hold steady, many of them don't.  It's humbling, and restorative all at the same time.

- You made me appreciate my mom and all women in a way I never had.  I love that a little boy made me a feminist. 

- You made me love your dad even more.  We had 11 years together before you were in the picture, and yet seeing his love for you, and your love for him, was profound to me.  He's the only other person in the world who truly understands and loves you the way I do.  How amazing that he and I get to share that?  You made us a family.

- You were the first baby to kick the inside of my belly, nurse from me, call me "mommy", say I love you, hug and kiss me unprompted, call out to me in the night, run to me when scared, trust me with your whole heart....these are firsts I will treasure until my last breath.

- You were the one who made me really understand that creating, birthing and raising another life is a true gift.  As natural and commonplace as it is, it is nothing short of miraculous.  It is never lost on me, even the second time around. 

- You were the first to teach me the hard lesson of giving up sleep...and free time...and privacy...and not having encumbrances.  But you made me realize that none of that actually matters.  I would give all of that up again, and again (and I suppose I am).  I hope one day your brother thanks you for paving the way, as I'm sure (well, I hope) I will be much more patient and centered this time around. 

- If in the next several months it seems like I'm holding or cuddling or kissing your brother way too much for your liking, it's because you taught me how quickly babies grow up and wriggle away. 

- You made me want to live forever. 

- Last but not least - despite my kicking and screaming - you taught me to let go.  Let go of expecations, of fears, accept and appreciate the present, and have faith that we're not given anything we can't handle.  I'm not sure how such a little boy taught me such big lessons, but apparently you are wise beyond your two short years. 

I'm sure I will re-learn all of this when your baby brother arrives, and you both will continue to change my life in ways I can't yet imagine...but you will always be my first little love, and the past 2 years will always be so dear to me.  Thank you for giving me the honor of being your mama every single day!

Goodbye to the City

This past month has been utter chaos.  After looking for months for a house in anticipation of baby #2 (more on that later) and having all but given up, we found one.  Exciting yes, but also put us on a roller coaster ride of dealing with the purchase, deciding what to do with our condo in the city, setting up the move, figuring out our nanny situation and the list goes on and on and on.  All while 7 months prego.  In all of the craziness, I haven't processed a reality that is only now starting to hit me....that in in 2 weeks, we will be leaving the city...forever. We'll be leaving our condo....the first home we've owned, the home where we opened our wedding gifts, had many parties, the home where we brought our son from the hospital for the first time and the place he, now as a 2yr old, refers to as home.  We're leaving a neighborhood we have grown to love, and the things we don't love about it are things in a way I can't imagine living without.  I know we will find completely different things to love about our new neighborhood, and we are ecstatic about having more space and a yard, but I feel the need to say goodbye to some of the things that will be missed most as we move on to the next phase:

Goodbye to walking.  When you live in the city, you are used to walking everywhere.  I'll miss our walks to the farmer's market, parks, restaurants.  I'll miss walking Noah to the end of our street to watch choo-choos.

Goodbye to our dry cleaner, our 7-11 employees, our nail salon peeps.  We have oddly close relationships with all of them.  Our dry cleaner gave us money for our wedding.  Our nail lady (I say "our" because they know Adam better than me, not for pedicures, but for foot massages ha) has texted me for playdates.  The 7-11 guys know our kid's name.  It's weirdly awesome, and will be missed.

Goodbye some of the best food in city within delivery range.  Macku, Flub a Dub, Yen's on random Sunday nights, oh how you will be missed.

Goodbye to the crazies.  You get very accustomed to crazies in the city.  I may miss the guy on the El wearing sweatpants with no underwear while eating egg salad with his bare hands  Or I may not.  TBD.

Goodbye to summer street festivals.  At least we'll have Ravinia.

Goodbye to Gay Pride and Market Days just outside our condo.  I can't say I'll miss finding random condoms in the alley, but the sheer spectacle of it all, sure I'll miss it.  On that same note, goodbye to the trannies, cross-dressers, and the men who wear bikini bottoms at any time of year.  It all seems so normal to me now.

Goodbye to the Cubs.  While on one side of our condo we have Boystown, on the other side we have Wrigley. Goodbye to the "bros" who get kicked out of Houndstooth every game day, goodbye to the drunk girls in shorts on 40 degree opening days, goodbye to being able to walk to one of the best places in the country to eat a brat, drink Busch Heavy and watch baseball.

Goodbye to cabs.  Oof, hello to designated driving.

Goodbye to the energy.  You suburb veterans may call it noise, but to me the ambulance sirens, the honking, the people walking at all hours of the night, and yelling over the sounds of the El while on your phone is all part and parcel of an energy you simply can't match anywhere else.  I'll miss catching whiffs of pee in random places.  I really will. 

Goodbye to lugging groceries/dry cleaning/kids up stairs, to tight parking spaces, to hearing people walk above you, to walking with bags of groceries, to walking in the snow to the El, to spacebagging everything, to driving through snowy alleys to park at your house, to treating a balcony like a yard, to condo association meetings.  Ok, so I won't miss any of you.  But we'll always remember how it "once was", and our city-boy son who currently knows the difference between the 8 bus and the 22 will wonder how we ever lived that way.

So goodbye city....goodbye to Roscoe, to our "Chicago" address...I am so thankful for the many years of joy you have brought to us.  I am so excited for our new adventure on the North Shore, but you will always be our first home. 

Are you a bad mom?

At some point (perhaps daily), every mom feels like she is doing a shitty job.  Am I spending enough time with them?  Do I do too much/too little for them?  Do they even like me?  There are moments where you feel like you are doing it right (for example, I got home yesterday and my smiley son looked right in my eyes and yelped "happy (to) see you, mama!" - yay!  I guess I'm doing ok!), but then something else happens and you are back to reassessing and doubting your abilities.  When you really think about it, though, it's actually pretty hard to be a "bad mom."  Abuse and neglect would certainly count as bad mom activities, but if you love your kids and are mostly sane, these aren't possibilities for you.  The love part is easy, a given (maybe not the sanity).  There is nothing more natural or unconditional than a mother's love for her child.  Tale as old as time.  One of the main reasons humankind and animalkind persists.  Most moms put their kids first because there is no choice not to, anything else would go against instinct.  This doesn't mean you have to be president of the PTA or that your child never leaves your sight or that you never admit that bedtime is a relief (ha!).  It just means you love your kids, are there for them, and make sure they have everything they need (even if it means you don't have everything YOU want).  Even when you think about the girl friends you have who you can't imagine with kids because they've never taken care of so much as a plant or because they take 2 hours to get ready everyday or have never cooed at a baby, chances are if they actually have one of their own, you'll see a kind of transformation that can only arise from being ultimately responsible for another being.  Will they actually enjoy motherhood?  Maybe not as much as some, but perhaps more than they (and you) thought they would.  And they probably won't be a "bad mom." 

Though raising a kid is hard work (and raising a good kid even harder I think), feeling like a good mom isn't as hard if we just remember what really matters.  I think we are all trained to think we have to do more, be more and have everything figured out at all times.  In reality, if we love our kids and are invested in their happiness, as well as our own, we probably can't screw it up that badly.  So next time you feel like a bad mom because you let your son walk outside barefoot and he screams because his feet are burning.....or, you have to leave for work while he hangs onto your feet crying "mama please sit".......or, you turn on Mickey when you get home from work so you can just sit for 24 minutes..............try the love test.  Do you love him, does he (most of the time) seem to love you?  Are you all safe and (most of the time) happy?  Then you're doing just fine.  And when he tells you he's happy to see you, dammit, believe him and relish in it.       

Traveling WITHOUT Toddler

As a counterpart to my post about traveling with a toddler, I thought I should write about a recent trip my husband and I took without our son.  It was our first weekend away from him, ever.  Without family closeby and because I nursed over a year, it just wasn't easy to be gone for any extended amount of time.  And honestly - although I often fantasized about sleeping in until noon - we never really felt like we "needed" it.  But we did it, a three-night whirlwind weekend in NYC, and it was pretty awesome.  Our nanny stayed with Noah (I highly recommend this if it's an option, no offense to grandparents!).  Here are some things I didn't miss while being away, and some things I did miss. 

Didn't miss....
- Being on an airplane with a toddler.  Remember when you could have a conversation with your spouse, read magazines, slowly sip your beverage (or even order one for that matter) and drift off to sleep on flights???  Oh man, was this one great.  Maybe a vacation in of itself.

- The morning wake-up call.  Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever physically be able to sleep until noon (or even 10) again, but waking up a few times and going back to sleep, and then lazily starting the day without someone immediately asking for waffles is pretty damn nice. 

- Being high-maintenance.  My husband and I are low-maintenance travelers.  We never used to check bags, we are adept at walking or using public trans in whatever city/country we're in and can fly by the seat of our pants on trips.  Being away reminded me how high maintenance even the lowest maintenance people are forced to be when there are kids involved.  You're working around nap/bedtime schedules, you are looking for particular types of restaurants, carting a stroller, packing snacks and sippies before you can leave, and you can't just be outside all day long.  A couple days of simplicity were highly rejuvenating.

- Being regularly interrupted.  To go 2.5 entire days of talking to your spouse, to friends, to a waiter, to ANYONE without at the same time simultaneously saying "please put that down", handing a little someone a firetruck, and cutting a banana?  Yea, pretty amazing.

Missed....
- My toddler.  Obviously!  I didn't cry when we left and I was happy for the time off, but damn can those rugrats invade your mind.  I can't tell you how many times we said "Noah would really love this" or "we should bring him here when he's older."  No matter what your intentions are, you spend much of your time talking about your little ones.  We spend A LOT of time laughing at him behind his back, fantasizing about his future, and wondering where he gets his smartass attitude (must be Adam, right).  Makes me miss his stinky butt when I'm away from him.

- The morning wake-up call.  As much I appreciated waking up later and lazily starting our day, is there anything sweeter than waking up to the sound  of "mama?  daddy?"  over the baby monitor?  Sorry, there isn't.  So I missed that, and I missed walking into his room and seeing his sleepy smiley face and hearing him say "hi mama" .  I didn't miss him immediately thereafter asking for milk, daddy, Mickey and breakfast (in that order), but all the stuff before it, yeah, I missed all that.

- The afternoon nap.  So it's great being able to be out all day and not tied to a nap schedule, but then you know what you miss?  Your own downtime/nap!  Turns out I've gotten rather used to being "forced" into rest-time on the weekends.  We were exhausted by dinner.

- Family time.  On the weekends, we 3 hardly leave each other's sides.  We play in bed in the mornings, we eat our meals together, we go out, we run errands together, we take afternoon naps.  We try not to have too many weekends in a row w/ external plans/parties/responsibilities because we need "us" time.  This how we've kept a life that is inherently more high maintenance as simple as possible.  So an entire weekend without one member of our threesome feels...unnatural.  I feel the same way when Adam is busy with work and Noah and I are on our own.  We're happiest when we're all together.  I still think you absolutely must have adequate one-on-one time with your spouse, whether it's making the most out of your evenings, making an effort to do date nights and trips like this are great for the relationship.  But do we need an entire weekend very often?  Nah.  I'm thinking that's a good thing.

Lean In, Be Fearless

Ok, so we've all heard of Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In by now and many of us have read it.  If you haven't yet, in a nutshell, she's encouraging women to "lean in" to their careers by, among other things, reaching for opportunities, taking a seat at the table, raising expectations, managing fear of failure, and making "real partners" out of their spouses.  I first have to say, thank the Lord someone important is starting a public dialogue about working women's issues.  A big part of the reason I started a blog was to do that and it feels like the public conversation has recently exploded.  The book is not just for those who are striving for CEO status (forget all of the "Lean Back" or "Stand Straight" or whatever talk), you can take whatever you need from it.   

My greatest takeaway from the book was that we need to take personal ownership of our success and be fearless.  Fearless in setting goals, fearless in going after them and fearless in structuring our lives to have all of the things we want.  She sends this message mostly through a retelling of the internal struggles and insecurities she has overcome (that she believes most women face).  If you think the biggest challenge to your career advancement tends to be you (how you set your goals, thinking you're not as capable as you are), then this book will be really helpful for you.  But if you are generally not afraid to sit at the table (proverbial and literal), but feel that your biggest challenges are instead institutional barriers and the ability to structure your career such that you still have a personal life, then you may find yourself wanting more from the book.  To her credit, she makes clear that it was not meant to be focused on the external, institutional issues, but I think as you read you still hope it may be.  At least I did.  I don't really feel stifled by most of the self-limitations that Sandberg discussed.  Not that I'm always confident, or speak up as much as I should or am immune to wanting to be liked, I just don't feel that limited by those things.  To me, it's not just about the "faults" women should improve upon and the personal choices we have to be really careful about when making ("choose the right guy" being one of her examples, oof), it's more about the faults we have institutionally and as a society that make it difficult for women AND men to live and work to the greatest of their abilities.  I don't believe that blindly hoping that pioneering women who reach the top will change the rules is enough (See my post about Marissa Mayer -- and btw I utterly disagree with Sandberg's opinion that knocking Mayer's latest decisions is in itself anti-feminist, nice try defending your friend).  

That said, I do not discount the research that suggests that women negotiate salaries less, are less likely to ask for promotions, etc, but let's think about why that may be.  Is it because we inherently underestimate our abilities?  Maybe.  But I think Sandberg hit the nail on the head when she said that women "leave before they leave".  That is, women might be afraid that aggressively going after a promotion will mean that if they get it, their superiors will be unwilling to give them flexibility or time off in the next 5 years when they may start a family.  Or maybe they are reluctant to start down a particular career path around child-bearing/rearing years because they are unsure of how their life will be affected.  Sandberg says to put those concerns out of your head and keep your foot on the gas pedal until you absolutely have to slow down.  I don't find that to be very realistic.  The truth is, you do often have to plan ahead and make choices before you start a family.  For example, if you are a physician, you might have to pick a specialty in medical school, and perhaps you choose a specialty that has more predictable hours knowing that in the future that will be more suited to family life.  Or if you are a lawyer working at a big firm like I did, you may choose to take a great in-house opportunity when it comes rather than slave for 10 years on the partner track only to realize you don't actually want the partner lifestyle and are now overqualified for many in-house jobs.  There is often a "right" time to make career choices, and depending on your career it might come before you establish a family.  I think that if you keep your foot on the gas like Sandberg suggests, you may end up so invested down a particular path that you give up on some of the things you thought were important before.  I think if, institutionally and as a society, companies made it easier for their employees to give 110% even if they have kids or other external responsibilities, it would help people stay in the game.  If you knew that getting that promotion would not meaningfully affect your ability to have a balanced personal life, wouldn't you go for it no holds barred?  I have faith that most women - whether they doubt their abilities or lack assertiveness - would.  It's just not our reality, yet.  A good example of not being forced to leave before you want to leave is a friend of mine who was due to have a baby right when the state representative for whom she was working was running for state congress in Austin a few hours away from where she lived.  She let him know that she wanted to work on his campaign, but she and her new son couldn't realistically live hours away from her husband for 6 months.  The state representative let her work on the campaign remotely 2 days a week and she traveled to Austin for the other 3 days to make it work.  Though she probably would describe it now as some of the hardest months of her life, she was not only able to keep her job, but her boss is now a U.S. Congressman and she is one of his district directors.  Not being afraid to ask for what you need AND having a boss who values you enough to work with you and adjust as necessary is key. 

Sandberg also proposes that men should split household duties 50/50 for women to be able to optimize their careers.  But do you know of any families where this actually happens?  I speculate that Sandberg and her husband don't really share all of their family's responsibilities, but instead rely on a great deal of outside help for the day-to-day and then share the rest.  And she's probably the one who manages that outside help.  It's all just a guess, but a good guess I think.  Even if husbands pitch in with housework/childcare, women still tend to do more (they do 2/3 of it, say the stats) and also tend to be the primary planner of the family's lives (managing kids' schools/extracurriculars, planning vacations/holidays/special events, ensuring a social life).  And I'd even venture to say that women generally prefer to be the master of the household in these ways.  They may care more about certain things than their husbands, hell they may even care more about their husbands than their husbands (hence the reason why I pack my husband's lunch every morning, he'd be fine w/ Arby's everyday).  I also think for the most part women are just better at multi-tasking work and home, so from an efficiency perspective it often makes more "sense" for women to have more home responsibilities.  These are obviously huge generalizations, but I think they ring true for many families.  I know moms who make more money than their husbands (and whose husbands are home a lot) who still opt for less demanding jobs after kids so they can be more in the home.  Doesn't make economic sense, so what is it?  When I worked for a law firm, I knew several women who were married to other big firm lawyers (so they made similar salaries/had similar career potential) and when they had kids, it was the wives who went part-time, not their husbands.  Maybe women actually prefer that the home responsibilities not be split 50/50 even if in theory that seems fair.  I 100% agree that responsibilities have to be shared as much as possible and couples can strive to get better at that, I just think that ultimately women will always do more.  Maybe that means acknowledging that the working mom's situation is unique.  Maybe it means accepting that the gender wage gap partially represents different preferences and therefore may always exist.  It could mean a lot of things.  But calling for a 50/50 split in the majority of families who don't have a lot of outside help as an essential way for women to succeed just isn't that realistic to me.  (Btw, I caveat this with the fact that when I started my new job after maternity leave, my husband stayed home with our son for a few months while he studied for the bar, so of course I know it's possible for dads to step up when they need to.  I just don't think in most families' day-to-day lives it quite works out that way). 

So those were some of my thoughts.  Sandberg's book was a good reminder to not hold myself back and be more aware of things I may I do or think that could get in my own way. And as much as I didn't think I really needed the reminder, I realized half way through it that everytime I read the book in a public place, I'd subconciously set it down cover-down, as if it were embarassing to be reading about my interest in succeeding.  It's currently sitting on my desk, cover-up.

Would love to hear others' opinions on the book or any of these issues!